remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
