Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
