Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I think i peed on brittanys purse
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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