tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
