that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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