Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
