My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
