can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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