If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
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