did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
