I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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