I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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