also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
