Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
