you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
