Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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