....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
