I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
