Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
