I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
