Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
