Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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