then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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