i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We are all done wearing pants today
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