Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
