Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
