Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
