I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
