i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
