dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
