I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
