I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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