Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
