i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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