weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
