Well douche your snatch and let's go!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
