Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
