We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
