I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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