I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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