if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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