You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
