I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
