Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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