My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
