Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
