Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
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