My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
