Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
