i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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