broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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