Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
