I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
