I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
