the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
